Is This P0RN? – Love Land (Adult Humor)
Jeju Loveland (also known as Love Land) is an outdoor sculpture park which opened in 2004 on Jeju Island in South Korea.
The park is focused on a theme of sex, running sex education films, and featuring 140 sculptures representing humans in various sexual positions. The park’s website describes the location as, “a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet.â€
Loveland started way back in 2002, when 20 artists, graduates of Hongik University in Seoul, began creating sculptures in the area. Visitors can take a 10-minute taxi ride to Jeju Loveland straight from Jeju Airport.
Jeju Island was already a popular destination for honeymooners, being the southernmost and therefore the warmest region in Korea.
Source
The park is focused on a theme of sex, running sex education films, and featuring 140 sculptures representing humans in various sexual positions. The park’s website describes the location as, “a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet.â€
Loveland started way back in 2002, when 20 artists, graduates of Hongik University in Seoul, began creating sculptures in the area. Visitors can take a 10-minute taxi ride to Jeju Loveland straight from Jeju Airport.
Jeju Island was already a popular destination for honeymooners, being the southernmost and therefore the warmest region in Korea.
Source
This is one of 1000s of posts on KMDN. For More Posts visit homepage- FUNNY PHOTOS
Is This P0RN? – Love Land (Adult Humor)
Jeju Loveland (also known as Love Land) is an outdoor sculpture park which opened in 2004 on Jeju Island in South Korea.
The park is focused on a theme of sex, running sex education films, and featuring 140 sculptures representing humans in various sexual positions. The park’s website describes the location as, “a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet.â€
Loveland started way back in 2002, when 20 artists, graduates of Hongik University in Seoul, began creating sculptures in the area. Visitors can take a 10-minute taxi ride to Jeju Loveland straight from Jeju Airport.
Jeju Island was already a popular destination for honeymooners, being the southernmost and therefore the warmest region in Korea.
Source
The park is focused on a theme of sex, running sex education films, and featuring 140 sculptures representing humans in various sexual positions. The park’s website describes the location as, “a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet.â€
Loveland started way back in 2002, when 20 artists, graduates of Hongik University in Seoul, began creating sculptures in the area. Visitors can take a 10-minute taxi ride to Jeju Loveland straight from Jeju Airport.
Jeju Island was already a popular destination for honeymooners, being the southernmost and therefore the warmest region in Korea.
Source
Sex Humor
|
Various Ways To Say "Having Sex"
Bang
Be the rug doctor
Beaver shooting
Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen
Bend her over and load her like a shotgun
Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out
Bite the bearded clam
Bob the knob
Boink
Bone Smuggling
Bopping
Bottom knockin'
Bounce the Brillo
Break her open like a shotgun
Buff the helmet
Buffing
Bumping uglies
Bury the hatchet
Butter her muffin
Carpet munching
Check her oil
Clean the carpet
Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking
Cuttin' a slice
Dance the buttock jig
Dent the egg
Dip your wick
Do it
Do the horizontal mambo
Do the Wild Thing
Doing it
Doing the nasty
Dueling Bedsprings
Eat at the Y
Feed the bear
Fenorking
Fit pipe
Flat Dancing
Fooling around
Fuck
Get a leg over
Get your bone honed
Get your noodle wet
Gettin' Busy
Getting you ashes hauled
Getting your bunny boiled
Getting your canoe shellacked
Getting your horns filed
Getting your weiner wet
Give her the time
Giving her a pearl necklace
Go like a rat up a rhododendron
Goin' horizontal
Hammerin'
Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck)
He hasn't had his tires rotated in months
Hide and shriek
Hide the HotDog
Hide the sausage
Hiding the salami
Hobble
Hose
I wanna bust that body
I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers!
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe
Lay cable
Lay pipe
Lay the hen
Let's go "Whale some babes"!
Make it
Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog
Muff dive
Negotiate the forested chasm
Park his car in her garage
Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken
Play hide the salami
Playing doctor
Poke the yolk
Poking the sushi
Poking the whisker biscuit
Pop you c==k
Pump
Put his snake through her grass
Ride the skin bus into Tuna town
Ring the cash register
Romping
Rope a poke
Saturate the ferrod
Screw
Sharpen the pencil
She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs
Sink the Pink
Slam her clam
Slam some Ham
Slice the muffin
Slip her the hot beef injection
Slip her the tubesteak!
Slip her the whale
Slip the Salami
Snake her
So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee
Some nookie-nookie honey
Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey
Stoke her yoke
Strop one's beak
Stuff her muff
Stuff the bunny
Swallow the swan
Tame her shrew
Tap your tailpipe
The beast with two backs
The nasty
Tube steak boogie
Varnish one's cane
Wax your candle
Work the hairy oracle
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or
lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went
to his bedroom, undressed and layed near his wife.
"What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"
A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's
none of your business."
So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your
business."
So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets
angry at this point and sends him off to play.
The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his
grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to
know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse.
Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64
years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is
because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!!
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at
all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids
out."
From The Economist:
France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife,
in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid.
Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as
in French.
"Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," replied the
erring lexicographer calmly. "You are astonished. It is we who are surprised."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide
decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his
family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright
only son and heir take over the running.
When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you
to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family
for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his
son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son
looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the
very old to the very modern.
His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain:
"Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather.
With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages
would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole
of Paris!"
And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and
continued with his explanation:
"This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With
this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would
come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of
Provence!"
He next led his son to the third most modern machine:
"This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this
machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out
the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide."
He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running
of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own
machine."
The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard
about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family
business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an
idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an
ass comes out the other."
His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy,
such a machine already exists - it's your mother!"
CEO document contents:
Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive
Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.
1. Introduction
------------
The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.
2. The Conception
--------------
The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.
Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.
3. Methods
-------
3.1 Sterilization
-------------
The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are:
- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.
- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.
- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.
3.2 Abstinence
----------
This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include:
- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)
- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.
3.3 Rhythm Method
-------------
This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.
3.4 Withdrawal
----------
This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.
3.5 The Sheath
----------
The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:
- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting !)
- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.
3.6 The Cap
-------
As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihalation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:
- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up
- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions
- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)
3.7 The IUD
-------
IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:
- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about
- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.
3.8 The Pill
--------
The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.
One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.
4. The Contracept Strategy
-----------------------
The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.
5. Conclusion
----------
This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.
Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn
resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two
days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike
and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten
lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a
parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the
last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How
far is The Olde Log Inn?"
A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their
wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man
seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he
takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and
scarred.
So his wife says, "What happened to you?"
The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles." He then takes off his
socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio."
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell
me. Smallcox, right!?"
A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I
want to fuck you up the ass."
"You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a
little presumptuous?"
"Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old?
George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all
over you. What's your secret?
Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a
woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go.
Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being
your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the
world's greatest lover!
Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my
dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand.
Oprah: Ok, you're on.
After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at
it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his
claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping...
Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both
of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at
it again.
So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at
it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another
breather and again says:
Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to
you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your
hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again.
Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can
understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then,
but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while
you're sleeping.
Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my
dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep.
Black guy to girlfiend: Lay down honey, I want to black top you.
Girlfriend: No way, I'm on the rag.
Black Guy: Then roll over and I'll asphalt ya.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking
girl-talk.
Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time.
How many years was that anyway?
Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years.
Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?
Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm.
A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and
affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress. As misfortune would have
it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away
island. The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used
to look-out for passing ships.
The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to
pursue the young mistress. Even if the old man was on look out, there was no
cover for him to take her and have his way. She had already expressed her
desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man.
Finally, the captain gets an idea. The next time he is in the tree on look
out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!" The
next day, he does the same thing. "Hey, stop having sex down there!", he says.
This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch. As
soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the
mistress. The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee,
from up here, it does look like they're having sex."
A guy has been shipwrecked on a small deserted island with a pig and a dog.
After awhile, he starts getting kind of horny so he decides he has to screw one
of the two animals. After a short debate with himself, he decides the pig is
his choice for a love doll. He sets off chasing the pig and finally traps it.
He pulls down his pants and is just about to nail the pig up the pooper, when
the dog suddenly bites him in the ass! The guy kicks the dog away but the pig
also gets away. The guy traps the pig again after a long chase. He pulls his
pants down again, and is just about to slip it the snake when the dog bites him
in the ass again! Again, he has to let the pig go while he kicks the dog away.
The guy decides he has to come up with a plan to keep the dog away. He sits down
against a tree and begins to think, but he's so tired from chasing the pig, that
he falls asleep.
The guy awakens an hour later to a beautiful fairy girl standing absolutely
naked in front of him. She says, "I've been put here for one hour to do
anything for you, but only for an hour and then I must go grant someone else a
wish."
The guy thinks a minute, then asks her, "Could you hold onto that dog for an
hour?"
This guy goes to the local gym to slim up and lose some weight. The various
weight reduction execise plans offered by the gym seemed comprehensive.
Our friend chose the cheapest scheme available which offered to reduce his
weight by 1 pound in just 1 hour. He was lead to a room where a pretty girl was
standing bare naked. She held a board which said, "You catch me, you can screw
me!". The guy took up the challenge and started running after the girl. He
came so near yet so far to catching the girl. But she kept on eluding him. One
hour passed and he still couldn't catch the girl. The gym instructor measured
the guy's weight now and amazingly...his weight was reduced exactly by 1 pound.
"This is not bad at all," the guy thought to himself, "I am losing weight and
having a good time." This time, the guy opted for a little more expensive
scheme. According to this scheme, he would lose 2 pounds in just 1 hour. He
was escorted to another room and lo and behold! Two young, pretty girls were
standing there absolutely naked!! Each of them held a board which said, "You
catch me, you can screw me!". The guy got very excited and started running
frantically after the girls. He would pursue one girl for a while, and when she
would prove to too much for him, he would start pursuing the other. Somehow, one
hour went in a jiffy and the guy could not even touch them, let alone catch
them! They took the guy's weight again and there it was! He had, by then, lost
2 pounds more!
By now, the guy's ego was badly hurt. He called the gym manager and asked
him for the most expensive scheme they offered. The manager guaranteed that the
guy would lose 10 pounds in 1 hour, but added that the scheme was extremely
dangerous. The guy couldn't care any less for dangers. By sheer law of averages,
he knew that the more expensive the scheme became, the more naked girls there
would be to chase, and the more would be his chances of catching at least one of
them and screwing her. He asked the manager to take him immediately to the room
where the most expensive scheme is arranged, despite repeated warnings from the
manager.
So he was taken to a room which was slightly far off. They let him in and
locked the door from outside. Waiting for him in the poorly lit narrow room was
a large gorilla, that held a board which said, "I catch you, I will screw you!"
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.
The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.
The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and
Try Weakly
The two ages of man: the first time, you can't do it the second time; the second
time, you can't do it the first time.
For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something
that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during
pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine...
1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in
January.
2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.
3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55.
4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in
your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than
romance that originates in a single's bar or health club.
5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second
place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34.
6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably
higher than ten years ago.
7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a
marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.
8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men
have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3
years, and 49.4% within 5 years.
9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women
whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.
10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some
sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as
"bound" by their vows.
11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at
34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in
their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.
12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.
13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.
14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more
active.
15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried
women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even
healthier immune systems.
16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single
status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.
17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who
read less stimulating material.
18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a
21% rupture rate.
19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.
20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no
contraception.
This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch.
Mavis: Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.
Mavis: Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.
They continue for about 2 hours; finally, they stop.
Mavis: Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be?
A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in
the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex
lately?"
The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell?
Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"
The dentist says, "No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your
nose!"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The blond confided that she
really likedher new boyfriend, but he had terrible dandruff.
"Give him Head and Shoulders," said her brunette friend.
boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders"
The blonde looked puzzled and then asked inquisitively, "How do you give
shoulders?"
A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They stopped
outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits. The
gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely
nothing.
After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his
girlfriend "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits".
The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing
to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her top and the gorilla
immediately raised his eyebrows.
Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show
him your ass".
The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla
began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping
up and down and running around his cage.
The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your pants and show him
your pussy".
The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed
the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat
pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and
down frantically.
The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was shaking in
the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said, "Now tell him
you've got a headache!!!"
A man and his wife return home from a pleasant evening out and while she is
getting ready for bed, he slips down to the kitchen. He returns a few moments
later with a glass of water, which he hands to her.
"What's this for?" she asks, rather puzzled.
"It's aspirin for your headache."
"But I haven't got a headache..."
"Aha!! Gotcha!!!"
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life:
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my
dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.
A couple were engaged in foreplay when the woman asked, "Why don't you make
my pussy talk?"
"How do I do that?" asked her partner.
"Put a tongue in it."
Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of
other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly
of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be
released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited,
however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small
army found itself denied release.
One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he
arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush."
The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up!
He's in the asshole!"
Once upon a time there was a little sperm named Egbert who lived inside a
famous movie actor. Egbert was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups,
somersaults, and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay
around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of the other sperm asked Egbert why he exercised all day.
Egbert says to him, "Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter; they
all had a feeling that this was going to be their one chance in life to produce
life. Suddenly, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Egbert was at the
front lines, swimming far ahead of everyone else.
All of a sudden, Egbert stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might, yelling, "Go back! Go back! It's a blow job!!!!"
After dating for 6 months, a guy tells his girl, "Man, I'd really love a blow
job."
She refuses saying, "You wouldn't respect me if I did that."
They eventually marry and, on their wedding night, the man asks again.
"No," she says. "You wouldn't respect me."
At every anniversary of their wedding day, he would ask again, but the answer
was always the same: "You wouldn't respect me."
On their 50th anniversary, the man says to his wife, "Darling, I've been
waiting all these years for a blow job. I ask every year. How much longer do
we have together, anyway? You know I love you. You've got to know I'll still
respect you. Please, do this for me."
She was touched by the speech and finally gave in. While she's doing it to
him, the phone rings.
The man answers it. "Hello?... hold on...it's for you, cocksucker!"
A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to
share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep
on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half.
Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the
question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use
the code "eating orange" for sex.
So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like
eating orange?".
This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked,
"Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below
interrupted,
"You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not
drip the orange juices down here!"
An elderly woman sees a bunch of women lining up outside a building. Being
so naive, she doesn't know these women are prostitutes and that they've been
arrested at the local police station. She approaches one of the women in line
and asks her what they were all lining up for. The lady of the street, somewhat
embarrassed, faked the reply by saying they're handing out free oranges here.
The old lady thought it was too good to miss, so she went to the end of the line
and waited.
When one of the police saw the old woman, he asks, "Aren't you a bit old for
this sorta stuff?"
"Are you kidding? I may not have any teeth, but I still like to peel them
back and suck them!"
An aging prostitute walks up to a guy and says to him, "Hey, mister, ya
wanna have a real good time?"
The guy takes one look at her and says, "No way! You know, you could get in
trouble working like this."
She replies, "With the cops? Screw the cops!!"
"No," he says, "with Social Security."
A boy in Australia was raised in the outback by his father. He'd just turned
18 and had yet to ever see a woman in his life. His father decided that it was
time that his boy went to the big city to meet some women. The two got into the
city and the boy was dumbfounded by the plethora of women. His father told him
to go up to their hotel room and he would have his "birthday present" sent up.
The boy was waiting in the room when the prostitute made her entrance. She
started to undress and the boy suddenly realized what had been happening to his
body in the last five years. So, he went over and opened the window and started
to throw things outside. I mean everything. He started with the lamp, then
threw out the bed sheets, then the desk, then the pillows, then the mattress,
and then the TV. He was starting to move the bed frame over to the window when
the prostitute asks what he's doing.
"If this is anything like it is with the kangaroos, then we're gonna need a
lot of room."
The prostitution bill was brought up before the senate. One senior senator
stood up and said, "I believe that if we owe it, then we should pay it!"
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been
selling her body at a hundred dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so
easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and
how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the
same hundred dollars that the other customers did.
He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want me, you're going to have to pay full
price for me, just like the other guys."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
nightclub. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again, she was vigorously screwed. In a
little while, she was yet awakened again, and again she was screwed. The
actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My god," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized
how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door
taking tickets!"
A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final
ultimatum from Farmer Buck. "Now, my son, we've had our differences, and we've
argued. You know I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think
worse. Now, I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing
right. I'm giving these two fine fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em
to market tomorrow. You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring
all of it home to me. See how simple it is? Two ducks, five bucks. Okay?"
Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns. Early in the morning, Farmer Jim throws
Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off.
It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue, and Naughty Jen the
milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her
knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more... But Jen's
a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she says:
"Stop right there, Johnny boy, unless you got a present for me!"
Johnny's straining at the fly about now, so all he can do is grunt: "Got two
ducks in me bag, okay?"
She considers. "Oh, alright!" and they start bopping away in the haystack.
After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs
Johnny from his rest. "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it
again."
Johnny stirs. "Shall we say the ducks come back to me, then, Jen?"
Mesmerized by the sight of Johnny's little willy rising again, she eagerly
agrees and take another tumble in the hay.
Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes.
"Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag
banging his leg, belt all undone. Of course, he was too late for market, and
his brothers pass him coming back in their cart, smirking as they wave their
wads of bills. Drearily Johnny turns about, and shuffles home. He's moping
along, swinging his bag of ducks, as he practices what he is going to say to his
father, when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him. He gets such a
fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch. As he surfaces, spitting
out weeds, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her driver. "Are
you alright, my good man? My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for these
lanes. Is this your sack?"
Johnny smells a good thing. "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is
alright".
Of course, the ducks are squashed beyond repair and Johnny has an enjoyable
few minutes shedding a tear over his lost pride and joy until the old woman
eventually gives him fifty dollars and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two
squashed ducks.
Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his
brothers smirk at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks. "You useless litle
bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest thing? Five bucks
for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got? Still two ducks, I
see, and that means no money! I ought to...."
His father tails off as he sees Johnny's quiet smile and his upraised hand
holding a wad of money. "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks? Here,
here's five, and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back! And you want to
know how it was done? Simple. Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks,
fifty bucks for two fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!" And he walked off with
the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an encore.
Jim Bob went to a farm to visit his country cousin. He went into a barn to
watch the country cousin attach the udders of a cow to the milking machine. The
machine went up and down and milk poured out.
Jim Bob was fascinated. As soon as his country cousin left the barn on some
errand, he decided to attach the machine to his penis to see how it would feel.
Two hours later, the country cousin returned to find Jim Bob lying on the
floor and moaning, "Ohhhhh. Let me out! Let me out!"
"Land's sake," the country cousin exclaimed. "What's goin' on?"
"Can't you see?" Jim Bob said. "I stuck my prick in your damned machine and
turned it on. This is the eighty-ninth time I've come!! And I can't seem to
turn it off!"
The country cousin scratched his head. "Jim Bob, I'm afraid I can't turn it
off either. But don't you worry. We'll feed you and fan you, and the thing's
only set for four quarts."
In a moment of passion, farmer John and his wife, Delores, ripped off their
clothes and tumbled into a very muddy cornfield for a little impromptu
lovemaking on a rainy Sunday morning. They started to slip and slide around a
bit in the mud.
"Say, honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" John asked.
Delores felt around and said, "Why, Johnny boy, it's in the mud!"
"Well, put it back in ya," he said.
After awhile, farmer John asked again, "Honey, is it still in you or in the
mud?"
"Ohh, it's in me, dear. It's *IN* me!!" Delores cooed happily.
"Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"
So ol' Billy Bob gets all decked out for the barn dance (even changes his
underwear) and off he goes. To his dismay upon arrival, he doesn't spot any
single women so decides to get inebriated.
As he stumbles out the door to go home, he passes by a pumpkin patch. The
shapes of the pumpkins lit up by the full moon reminds him of curvaceous
posteriors of women and gets him quite horny. In his drunken state of mind, he
decides to relieve his amorous desire by dropping his drawers and starts humping
one of the pumpkins.
At that moment, a cop walks by and, upon seeing him, yells, "Hey Buddy!!
Whaddya think yer doin' with that pumpkin!?"
Billy Bob stops, thinks for a moment, and then says, "Pumpkin? Sheesh, you
mean to tell me that it's past midnight already!?"
The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a
little early and surprise her husband. When she got home, she saw her husband
in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes."
So John took off her shoes.
Then she said, "John, take off my dress."
So John obliged and took off her dress.
Next, it was "John, take off my slip."
So John took off her slip.
Then, she said, "John take off my bra!"
So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor.
Lastly, she said "John, take off my panties!!!."
After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch
you wearing my clothes again!"
The waitress wants to deposit ten dollars on her bank account. "I'm sorry", the
cashier says, "but I'm afraid this bank note is false." "Ahh!", she yells, "that
means I was raped."
One day, in Norsegard (the Norwegian heaven), Thor, the god of thunder, being
bored with heavenly existence decided that a quick trip to Earth would help
alleviate some of this boredom. Traveling incognito, except for his trusty
hammer, Thor came across a buxom blond and suggested that some mutual
cohabitation of a degenerate degree would be helpful to both parties concerned. The blond, not saying anything, and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer,
nodded her agreement. They cohabitated for three days and Thor returned home.
Upon his arrival, Odin grabbed Thor and reprimanded him, "No problem sleeping
with mortals, but you should go back and tell her your name."
Thor returned to earth, went up to the girl's house, knocked, and, when she
answered, said, "I'm Thor."
To which the girl lisped in reply, "You're thore, I'm tho thore I can hardwy
pee!"
Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other
day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm
usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'."
King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest but
he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs. Arthur. He summoned
Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just the thing. Merlin
produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur
that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs. Arthur could command it quit
simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the
comand magic "penis my cunt" and it would satisfy her every need until she gave
the comand "magic penis stop." Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that
afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning
secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful.
Back at the castle, Mrs. Arthur was feeling a little horny. She decided the
magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber for a monster
diddle. All went well and orgasm after orgasm passed for what must have been
hours. By this time, Mrs. Arthur was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick
nibble.
Unfortunately, through all that passion she had forgotten the command to call
off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right. In sheer
desperation, she pried it from her, but still it would not stop and tried
desperately to reinsert itself. Mrs. Arthur ran down the stairs, through the
hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibro. As she passed the
gate, a guard shouted to her why she was in such a rush.
"I'm being chased by a magic penis" she replied.
"Magic penis my arse..." said the guard, "Uuuuugh!"
A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her
everytime he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer
have a sex drive."
The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his
nails and do something about his breath?"
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to
grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the little puppy she had just purchased
from the local pound and was her loyal companion that always followed her around
the house. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth.
After all, he had been her best friend and, besides, if the dog was anything
like her next door neighbor's German Shepherd that always tried to hump her knee
when she went over for a visit, she could also have sexual fulfillment with this
last wish. Poof! The fairy turned the puppy into the most handsome man on
earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and said, "Now
aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and
jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except his penis and he
decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, strips completely, and
buries himself in the sand except for his penis sticking up out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and
says, "There's no justice in this world."
The other old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first lady says, "Look at that! When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of
it... When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it... When I was 30, I
enjoyed it... When I was 40, I asked for it... When I was 50, I paid for it...
When I was 60, I prayed for it... When I was 70, I forgot about it... And now
that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild!"
During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the
intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at
35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect
his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was,
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about
now..."
Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately
turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While
scurrying past the first class section, a passenger was heard to say, "Don't
forget the coffee!!!"
I once went on a vacation with this with absolutely gorgeous and sexy girl. As
we flew down to Cancun, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We wanted to
fly United, but the flight attendant wouldn't let us.
Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best...find a
woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's
time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are
having a conversation.
She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and
bad news for you. Which would you like first?"
Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news."
She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic..."
One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog
behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replies, "Yes, I'd like a girl for the night."
She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200, to which she says, "She'll be
waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says, "But she's got to have a very serious case of active herpes."
The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says, "Okay, she'll be ready for you in about ten minutes."
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. Half an hour later, he comes
down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By
now, the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in
here, dragging a dead frog, and asking for a girl with active herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight, I will fuck the
babysitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home, dad will drive her
home and, on the way, they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later, when
dad gets home, mum and dad will make love, and she'll get it. And at about 9:30
tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, fuck
my mother, and he'll get it. And he's the bastard who killed my frog!!!!!"
Ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the postal service. On
his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and
say one last good-bye. Charlie knocks on one particuliar door and a beautiful
blonde lady greets him. She says that she has heard that today was his last day
before he retires and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast.
"Oh no! I couldn't do that! Why, it's strictly against policy!" he
exclaimed.
"So what? What are they going to do? Fire you?" she said.
Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in,
whereupon he was led into the dining room where layed out on the table was the
most elaborate breakfast he has ever seen!
"Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled.
While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs and
returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing
himself away from the table. "You want to go upstairs for some... Uh... Fun?"
she purred.
"Oh no! I couldn't do that!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a
fantastic breakfast and all and I really must go!"
"What are they going to do? Fire you?" she pouted.
Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What
the hell", and escorted the blonde upstairs.
After much furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde
staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs. Charlie hurried and buttoned
his shirt and pants. He thanked the blond and was just ready to leave when, the
blonde said "Oh, I almost forgot!", running over to her purse and handed Charlie
a dollar bill.
"Oh no! I can't take any money from you!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the
breakfast, uh... You know... Upstairs and all, I just can't take money from
you too!"
"Go ahead take it.." she said, "It was my husbands idea anyway".
"Your husbands???!!!???" stammered Charlie.
"Sure, just this morning, I asked my husband what we should get the postman
for his last day and he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!' Breakfast was my
idea!"
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching
their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of
them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says
"Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her
brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her
to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his
sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl,
his sister comes up to him again and says, "Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the
Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh...alright."
So they dance a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a
while, it's over and time to go home. Both of them have had a good time. In
the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says,
"Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she
looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking
with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and
talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us. How long has it
been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back
road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again. "Hey,"
she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not
going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to
start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each
other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek
and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his
ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in
mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my..." His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her pumping away, his sister murmured, "You know,
you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
One Friday afternoon, Steve's boss told him that he had to work overtime that
day. That was okay with Steve except that he had no way of letting his wife
know he'd be coming home late since they had just moved into a new house and it
didn't have a phone yet.
"Since I'm passing that way, I'll tell her," the boss volunteered.
A few hours later, the boss arrived at Steve's house and rang the doorbell.
Steve's wife came to the door wearing a see-through negligee. The boss couldn't
take his eyes off her body.
"Yes?" she said.
"Hi, I'm Steve's boss," the boss said. "He'll be working overtime tonight
and asked me to tell you he'll be home late."
"Thank you," she replied.
"Now, how about you and me going upstairs for some hot sex!"
Steve's wife felt her cheeks flush to an angry red. "How dare you!!!!"
The boss shrugged. "Supposing I give you fifty dollars?"
"Absolutely not! Why, I never heard such nerve..."
"One hundred dollars, then?"
"Uh...hell, no!"
"Okay, how about three hundred dollars then?"
"Uhhh, I don't think that would be right, do you?"
The boss purred, "Listen, honey, Steve isn't gonna know. It's an easy way to
make three hundred dollars and we'll just spend a little time together."
So the wife nodded, took him by the hand, and led him upstairs to the bedroom
where they had sex for an hour.
That night, Steve came home and asked, "Did my boss come by and tell you I'd
be late?"
"Yes, Steve," the wife innocently said, "he did stop by for a few seconds."
"Good," said Steve. "Then he gave you my salary?"
This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that
her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches
around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.
Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some
more, and tries again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers
the zipper a bit more.
She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto the
bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to
do that!"
He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper
three times."
Three couples are are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what
number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that
they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes
together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on. Deciding
that this was an innovative idea, they went off of the men's restroom.
Inside, the first man says "Mine's 6 inches", the second man says "Mine's 4
inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine's 2 inches, so that
brings the total to 12".
So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure
enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So
off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were
going to split the money.
While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%".
Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I
should get 40%".
Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should
get it all".
The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man
looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection
all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it
would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and
lost everything".
These three guys try going to this bar for the first time and turns out to
be pretty rough and tough biker bar. They each ask for a mug of beer. The
barmaid says to them, "I'm not serving you three until I see 30 inches of cock
between ya."
So the first guy whips out his member and, sproing!, 10 inches of cock
dangle from his trousers.
The second guy pulls down his pants and 19 inches of cock spring up and land
right on the bar counter.
The third guy manages to slip a one incher out.
So the barmaid serves the three guys drinks. After the drinks, and as the
three guys leave the bar, the third guy proudly says, "Man, it's a GOOD thing
that I had a hard-on!"
The owner of a big furniture store went to New York to buy some stock and met
a really beautiful girl in the hotel elevator. But she was French and they
couldn't understand a work of each other's language. So he took out a pencil and
notebook and drew a sketch of a taxi. She nodded her head and laughed and they
went for a ride in the park. Then he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner, he
sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to a night club and
danced and had a lovely evening.
At length, she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed. He was dumbfounded.
He's never been able to figure out how she knew he was in the furniture
business.
This guy was with a hooker for the first time. She took him into her room
and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have
any suggestions?"
She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe
69?"
He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."
As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart.
"Ooohh! Excuse me," she said with a giggle. They proceeded and a few
minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly.
"Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"
He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67
more!"
On a sunny day in Paris, an American tourist who was on his college spring
break picked up a prostitute on the Champs Elysees and took her to the Meurice
Hotel.
The American got into bed with the whore and screwed her for awhile and then
said, "Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis fatigue'."
So saying, the college boy stuck his head out the window and took a deep
breath. He then went under the bed, came out the other side, and jumped into
bed on top of her to continue screwing her again.
After awhile, he got up saying, "Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis
fatigue'." Again, he went to the window, took a deep breath, rolled under the
bed, and came out the other side.
The sixth time this happened, the whore had become very tired too. Getting
out of bed, she said, "Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur, fatiguee'."
She went to the open window, took a deep breath, and looked under the bed.
She found four other Americans there under the bed.
I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said
that one day, he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said:
"Vaseline-Powered Car For Sale". He thought this was pretty odd so he decided
to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about
five miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led
back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a
house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute
before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him,
"Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man
assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.
They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the
double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket.
The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red
Corvette.
"1969, 369 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man
said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the
old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it
out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked.
As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast.
Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so
don't go too far". This guy turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded
like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found
first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second
gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful!
110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered five
miles in under three minutes when, all of the sudden, the car shut off. He
coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started
to walk.
Meanwhile, down the road...
A family had just finished supper. There was dad, mom, and two daughters,
one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling mom how good
supper was and mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she
shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do
the dishes because she had a date and the other daughter said she had homework
to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and
he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then
dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who
would wash the dishes, then what they should do is go in the living room, sit
down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They
agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other,
not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak.
Silence filled the room.
There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man
at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody
answered. He walked in.
"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I
have some?," the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table
and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he
could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a
little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he
had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in
the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table
drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked dad if he
could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her
into the bedroom and had sex with her too. Later, sitting at the table, after
more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he
minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into
the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living
room and stood in front of dad.
"Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad.
And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."
John and Joe were twin brothers. John was happily married, while Joe was
single and the owner of a dilapidated rowboat. It so happened that John's wife
died about the same time Joe's boat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, an old woman met Joe, mistook him for John, and said, "Oh,
Mr. Jones, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe said, "Well, I'm not very sorry. She was rather an old thing. Her bottom
was chewed up and she smelled like dead fish. Why, the first time I got into
her, she made water faster than anything you ever saw. She had a bad crack and
a big hole right in front that got bigger every time I used her. It got so I
could handle her okay, but when someone else used her, she leaked something
awful. This is really what finished her: Four guys from the other side of town
came looking for a good time and asked me if I would lend her to them. I warned
them she wasn't any good, but they said they'd like to take a chance on her
anyway. The crazy fools tried to get in her all at the same time, and this was
just too much for her. She cracked all the way up the middle and...."
Before Joe could finish, the old woman fainted.
Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the
difference between the following kisses?
1. Aristotelian kiss
2. Hegelian kiss
3. Wittgensteinian kiss
4. Godelian kiss
Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida
Dear Flummoxed,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to
the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary
of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss - a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from
theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that
the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss - a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own
antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss - the important thing about this type of kiss is that it
refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with
the experience of the kiss, which must necessarilly also be differentiated from
the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same
or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the
act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted
generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on
our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss - a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you
unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Here are just a few other classic
kisses:
Socratic kiss - actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the
Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most
strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover
more ground.
Kantian kiss - a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually
feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've
ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss - a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform
you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss - a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it
really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss - a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement
is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete
somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss - Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
Pythagorean kiss - a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and
wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others
would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss - A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think,
therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is
applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf.
Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact,
but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss - a hard-to-define kiss; the more it moves you, the less sure
you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have
figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are
known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that
you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the
advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to
enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss - "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
Epimenidian kiss - a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss - a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not
kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss - shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss - your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
Procrustean kiss - well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once
you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas
of the anatomy other than the lips.
Doctor Rude
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
Bumbling Trivia
In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the
largest of any animal on earth. Mention this to the girls over bridge and
you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware.
The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's
post-coital fate, namely death. The genitals are contained in the abdomen and
presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such
strain on the bee that it dies in the process. The proximate cause of the
drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act. One
more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark.
One last thing. Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself
produced as a result of sex. On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized
egg. (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.) Thus the queen bee is
capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather.
You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee.
My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was
caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such a shame. He was the
best veterinarian in town.
A man walks towards the bathroom door and starts yelling: "Son! How many times
have I told you not to do that? Don't play with yourself anymore. Stop it! If
you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The son replies: "I'm over here, dad, in
the hallway."
Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers. It's a given
in this culture. If we believe what women have been telling us, it seems that
today's males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, confused, and uncaring. Men
are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of timing or
communication. But the truth of the matter is that women contribute as much to
our culture's sexual malaise as men do. Let's consider the classes of lousy
lovers among women:
The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent flier plan, it would take
her ten years to earn a trip from Des Moines to Cedar Rapids. To live with her
is to not know her. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has become "Not this year,
I have a career". In this relationship, the hand you hold will probably be your
own, but don't be embarrassed by that. Rejection and lack of interest are
general all over this workaholic culture. You think you're the Lone Ranger
because you're living with an Infrequent Flier? Then who are all those other
masked men out there?
The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of everything, especially the
extended orgasm. It is always just around the corner, but the corner is forever
disappearing into the distance. Superman might be able to satisfy her, but it's
60/40 he'll finally give up and take a nap. Be assured that when he awakes,
he'll hear about how inconsiderate he was.
The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our precious bodily fluids.
She treats the male orgasm as if it were an explosion at a nuclear power
station. She scrambles away, a distasteful expression on her face, as you lie
there like a beached whale. By her standards, sperm is radioactive poison and
should never be deposited on skin, sheets, or clothing. She is also the Fastest
Douche in the West.
The Statistician: You can spot her by the tape measure she keeps under the
pillow and the pencil marks on her wall. She's a combination C.P.A., historian,
and Official Scorer. Her brain is one big computer printout, and if you ask
her, she'll reel off numbers and measurements that boggle your mind: how you
rate compared with other lovers in terms of genital heft, number of orgasms
(hers, then yours), errors committed, times you were too base and runs batted
in. Her accounting will be accurate, impersonal, and cold. Only her eyes will
glow as she quantifies love.
The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician is sister to the
Statistician. Indeed, they may be one and the same person. The Electrician
punches data into here computer keyboard while your lovemaking progresses, but
it will be difficult for you to see that as you struggle to keep your headphones
from becoming entangled with hers and as you sort out the vibrators that she
keeps in a batrack by her bed. On average, she will have two videotape machines
running, one to record your activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie
for the television monitor on her ceiling. Don't feel dehumanized by the stock
market ticker she has on her wall. And, yes, it can be disconcerting when the
Electrician carries on telephone conversations from one of six phones she has on
her headboard while you are huffing and puffing away.
The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something? Will her activity ever cease? Why
does your back hurt? Why are you dehydrated? Why are you wondering if you'll
have a coronary and she'll never even notice? Is it fair that she can go for
four hours straight and never even stop for breath? Why does she wear her
aerobic dance shoes to bed? Gatorade instead of champagne. Only one change of
sweatbands allowed. Mirrors all over, even the floor. "Bolero" is too slow for
her. What are those yelping sounds she makes at odd moments? Why does she
confuse you with her aerobics instructor? Why does she have a hotline to her
own team of paramedics? Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen?
Why is she still bouncing on the bed?
The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean. There is no known way to spoer
her beforehand, either. You just have to place you bets and then go for broke.
It's a sweet moment. You're making love with a warm and wonderful woman, and if
the truth were known, this is how you'd like to make your living. You wait for
her; you hold yourself in; you administer and placate and excite. Then, as you
feel her rhythms rise, your own pleasure approaches; and as she rides into her
sunset, you take a deep breath and...your ears; what is happening to your ears?
You have never heard a sound like that before. Is it nuclear war? Is there a
jet engine in the room? There is this unearthly screeching going on, and there
is no distance between you and the screeching. She has your head in a vise, and
her mouth hs just swallowed your eardrums. They are somewhere slightly above
her voice box, and they are now hers forever, because you will never hear again,
not a sound, not even the whimper of a child. The Screecher has claimed another
victim.
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the
truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...
She: Get off of me, will ya!!
He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt
me with THAT?!?
She: Getting a little flabby and chubby, aren't we?
She: Was that it???
She: Two minutes! Boy, that really must have really tired you out!
A well known business man met a beautiful girl that agreed to spend the night
with him for $500.00. The next morning, when he was ready to leave, he found
that he didn't have that much cash with him but that he would have his secretary
prepare a check for the agreed amount and it would be in the mail that day. On
his way back to his office, he decided that it was not worth the price he had
agreed to pay and so he had his secretary prepare a check in the amount of
$250.00 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, enclosed you will find my check for less than what we agreed upon
for the rent of your apartment; but upon inspection, I found that you had
misrepresented it saying that it had never been occupied before, that there was
plenty of heat and it was small. However, upon a close inspection, I found that
it had been previously occupied many times before, there certainly wasn't enough
heat and it was much larger than what you described.
Very truly yours, John Doe.
Upon receipt of this note the girl immediately returned the check with the
following note:
Dear John Doe, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied forever. As to the heat, there was much more than you needed,
if you had just known how to turn it on; and lastly, you most certainly didn't
have the necessary furniture to fill the apartment, so don't blame me.
Yours truly, Madam.
How do you tell if you are making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an
airline stewardess?
A nurse says: This won't hurt a bit.
A schoolteacher says: We're going to have to do this over and over again until
we get it right.
An airline stewardess says: Just hold this over you nose and mouth and breath
normally.
A kid goes up to his father. "Dad, what's the difference between 'fantasy'
and 'reality'?"
The father thinks about how to explain this for a moment. "Son, you go up to
both your mother and sister and ask them each if they would sleep for one night
with a total stranger for a million dollars, say...the next door neighbor or
someone like Robert Redford."
The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later. "They both said
yes" he tells his father.
"I will now explain to you the difference between 'fantasy' and 'reality'."
says the father. "In fantasy, we are sitting on a piggy bank worth two million
dollars, but in reality, you have two whores for a mother and sister."
A guy is one the phone with a salesman who tells him, "I can let you have it
for six hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash."
The guy is not able to figure out the calculations, so he puts the salesman
on hold and asks his wife, "If you were offered six hundred dollars minus six
percent, how much would you take off?"
His wife thinks for a minute and then replies, "Everything but my earrings."
A brother and sister are in bed together. The brother turns to his sister and
says, "Wow, you are almost as good as mom!" The sister replies, "Yeah, that's
what dad said."
The circus has just come to town and this 8 year old girl really wants to go...
Girl: Daddy, I really want to go to the circus and I'll do anything!
Daddy: Really? You will do anything?
Girl: Yes daddy, just tell me.
Daddy: Well, (as he unzips his pants) you will have to suck me.
Girl: After having been on him for a few seconds, she gets up and says, "Daddy,
this tastes like shit!"
Daddy: Oh yeah, your little brother also will be going with you.
Inflation was getting out of hand so Joe suggested to his wife, Louise, that
they try a unique way to save some money on the side.
"Every time I lay you, I'll give you a dollar for your piggy bank," he said.
A few weeks later, they decided to open the piggy bank. Out tumbled a bunch
of dollars, but there were also many bundles of fives, tens, and twenties.
"Louise," asked Joe, "where did you get all that money? Each time we fucked,
I only gave you a dollar."
"So?" she said. "Do you think everyone is as stingy as you?"
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he noticed
someone near the train shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye.
Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"
The man was stunned.
After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who had been shouting
and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just tell that man his wife was
a great lay?"
The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but
I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Two man are talking in a bar.
Man #1 says, "Did you know that 60 of all man fall imediately in sleep after
they have fucked a woman?"
To which Man #2 asks, "No, but what about the other 40?"
Man #1 replies, "The other 40 must first drive home before they can sleep..."
In a sex survey, the question was asked - "What are the three most popular
things men do after sex?"
3. Turn over and go to sleep
2. Light up a cigarette
1. Go home to the wife
The sex was fast and furious. He was fast and she was furious.
John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head kidnappers.
He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been waiting for him all this
time, and they prepare for their first bonk in five years.
"John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so if
there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or anything, just
say and I'll do it."
"Well, there are two things..." replies John.
"Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be okay."
"First, I want to take you from behind...doggy style...up the ass."
She pales slightly, swallows and says: "Well, okay then, we can do that if
that's what you want. What's the second thing?"
"And can I call you Henry?"
Two women arrive to the vet, each carrying one male dog.
Woman1: Why did you bring your dog?
Woman2: Because I want it castrated. You see, he keeps fucking all the female
dogs in the neighborhood. How about you?
Woman1: Because the other day, I was taking a bath when the soap fell down and
when I reached down to pick it up, the dog fucked me.
Woman2: So, you want it castrated too?
Woman1: No, I want his nails cut.
From the Winnipeg Free Press:
Dateline: London
A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a
video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests
expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.
The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding,
but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's
bull terrier named Ronnie.
M.B.A.s Are Best
As if there aren't enough people applying to business school already, a new
study suggests that married M.B.A.s enjoy sex more than other professionals.
M.B.A.s had the highest score in a preliminary sexual-satisfaction index
compiled by Jennifer Knopf, a sex therapist at Northwestern University; Ph.D.s,
in contrast, had the lowest score. Lawyers and doctors were in the middle. The
80 married couples surveyed received points based on sexual problems, how
satisfying their sex life was, how often they desired intercourse, and how often
they had it.
Sex could get the economy going by having a VFT introduced, a Variable
Fornication Tax, which would be self assessment. Each act would incur a tax of
$5.00. Pensioners would get a rebate of the first 50 being free, and for people
over 80 lodging a return, they would receive membership to the Australian
Institute of Sport!
Men seem to become less interested in sex after marriage. In some cases, the
situation is so bad that the husband changes positions more often when he's
asleep than he does during sex, the husband doesn't go to sleep immediately
after sex but instead goes to sleep during sex, and if Madonna was married to
one of these men, she wouldn't just feel like a virgin, she'd be a virgin!
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a
sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean
Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The
Dead Sea".
A friend of mine was taking psychology at San Francisco State College. The
professor and class were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were
discussing the reams of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon. The
professor told the students of the experience of a friend of hers...
A male friend was taking a shower in the presence of his three-year-old
daughter. The daughter looked at her dad and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."
The father said, "Yes, I do."
The kid said, "I don't have a penis."
The dad said, "Yes, that's right."
The kid said, "Mommy doesn't have a penis."
Again, the dad confirmed.
The daughter frowned, and then looked up at her dad reassuringly and said,
"Well Daddy, I don't think you should worry, because yours is very small."
The psychology professor thought this was an excellent case for the existence
of "Penis Pity."
A woman was complaining to her best friend over lunch. "Every time my
husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell."
"That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend. "As a matter of
fact, that would kind of turn me on."
"It would me too," said the first woman, "if it just didn't keep waking me up
and if he didn't keep moaning our daughter's name in his sleep!!"
Reasons To Have Sex
Sex as a Tranquilizer -
"I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have anxiety the
night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on those nights I make
sure to have some sex. It's the greatest tranquilizer I've found. And there are
no side effects. It's pretty addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor
Sex as a Reward -
"If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll eat her
pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My friends ask why
she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education Teacher.
Sex to Fight Addiction -
"I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I haven't
had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems to help when I
get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes totally. The hard part
is after sex, because then I really want a smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director
(Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)
Sex as a Laxative -
"I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a direct
correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real constipated when
I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm having sex. I also think it's
good to have a lover massage my anus with her finger. I think it's healthy. And
it feels so good." - Jimmy Turnowski, Attorney
Sex to Get to Know Someone -
"I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know them. That's
why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a lot about a person by
fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent
Sex as Meditation -
"I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some space music,
put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's incredible. It helps
me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do affirmations and pray while
I masturbate. I focus inward and just love myself. I think of my masturbation
rituals as my path to enlightenment." - Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl
Sex to Make Money -
"I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute
Sex for Magic -
"I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very important we
use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic." It's the most
powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we raised $25,000 for an
orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane Contrella, Witch
Sex for Manipulation -
"I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex to get
what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one blowjob. With
sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C., Lead Singer in a Rock Band
Sex for Gardening -
"I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden, and I jerk off
onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while I'm at it, I'll
kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm onto a plant that needs a
little extra care. I figure if sperm can create a life, it must be a good
fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap, Interior Decorator
Sex to Increase Energy -
"I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business. We
worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and
full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck
six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up. The business was a big
succes, until I left him. Then it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot
Dealer
Sex as a Gift -
"For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old
guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her
entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent
Sex to Wake Up -
"I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best way to get
me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes. A nice, wild
quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby." - Robin Spear,
Bartender
Sex to Cure Back Pain -
"I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes my lower
back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal sex. I swear to
God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper
Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -
"We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not
a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love?
It's better than an electric blanket any day." - Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor
Sex as a Cream Rinse -
"In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that
sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me, but I'll betcha it's
true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer
Sex for Stress Reduction -
"Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to visit my
lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour,
because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker
Sex as a Spiritual Experience -
"Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a
manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with
God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished." -
Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher
Sex for Exercise -
"Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has really hard
thighs from being on top. It's great excercise. She demands that I don't come
until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my arms. That's just from
pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You know, cardiovascular stuff. It's
the only excercise I do, and I'm in great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery
Salesman
Sex for Thrills and Adventure -
"My boyfriend and I live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual
adventures. Last week, we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy
the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on.
No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." - Kitty Wichner,
Dietician
Sex for a Laugh -
"I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano, Pizza Shop Owner
Sex as a Cure for Baldness -
"In my early 20s, I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
Suddenly, it started coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm that if
semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at night before I
went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my scalp. When I woke up
in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk, almost painful. Then I'd wash
it out. It definitely worked. My hair stopped falling out. I've used a similar
treatment for acne." - Fitugu Tadesse, Zoologist
Sex for Voice Training -
"I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a particualr phrase.
My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this microphone as a cock, and make love
to it with your voice, like a sort of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it
worked great. Now I have a microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming
Singer
Sex to Acheive Altered States -
"If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I leave my
body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by the universe, and
I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and awakened memories of
past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman
Sex for Mosquito Bites -
"When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in the
country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites. I hadn't
bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine cabinet, and there's
no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something soothing and liquid. Yogurt
and sperm were all I had. So I tried them both. They both worked." - Darryl
Stipanela, Law Student
Sex for a Good Deed -
"There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock. We were
talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part of being fat was
that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her, being the nice guy that I
am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't really want to do it, but I climbed
on board. It was like being on a rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a
good hour. She totally came to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful
to watch. The only problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." -
Marco Vassi, Erotic Writer
Sex as Art -
"I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is an art. I
see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can express myself
creatively and imaginitively through sex. And believe me, I'm very creative.
Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer
A friend of mine sent me this today and I feel it is just too rich not to share
it with you...
Well, this DJ, posing as a representative from a vibrator company, made a
call to a lady who had just bought a vibrator a few weeks ago. (Her boyfriend
clued them in. He also told them that she never used it.) The scam was that
there was a problem with the vibrator that could possibly cause an allergic
reaction.
When asked if the young woman had used the vibrator she, sounding very prim
and proper, said that she hadn't, that she had bought it to give to a friend as
a gag gift. The DJ said that if it had been used it was important that the
person get treatment as soon as possible and that the company would pay for all
expenses.
The woman then admitted that she had used the vibrator once. The DJ (sounding
very much like a DJ) explained more about the problem with the vibrator. He
then said that it was very important to ascertain how often the vibrator was
used. The woman then admitted that she had probably used it about once a day.
"Once a day!? For three weeks!!?" He went on and on about that for a
while. Then he said something to the effect that that degree of usage would
most likely cause a woman to listen to Chad and Mike on Super 102. He then
identified himself and revealed the scam.
"Oh, no!", said the woman. "Nobody will hear this, will they?"
"They're hearing it right now."
"Oh, nooooo!.."
Can you imagine this poor woman going to work the next day? I was screaming.
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle
it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments, he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a redhead woman comes
in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black
dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later, a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had
a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
A woman walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. She asked the man at the
counter, "Where are the vibrators?"
He said, "Follow me, come this way" by waggling with his finger.
She responded, "If I could come this way, why would I need a vibrator, you
idiot?"
A lady went to her doctor when she accidentally got her vibrator stuck deep
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I could afford an operation right now," replied the lady.
"Could you just replace the batteries for a nominal fee?"
James, the country club instructor, spent hours trying to teach the shapely
young teenage girl how to swim. They had been in the pool all morning when she
finally asked him, "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
A naked woman gets into a taxi. When they reach their destination, the driver
looks over his shoulder and tells the woman how much she has to pay. The woman,
being naked, decides to pay in a different way and lies back in the seat, opens
her legs up, and says, "How about this?". The driver takes a look and then
replies, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"
A naked woman is getting into a taxi. The amazed driver looks at her with an
open mouth.
"Something wrong?" asks the woman. "Haven't you seen a naked women before?"
"Yes, answers the driver, "but I'm wondering from where you'll get your
money?"
A guy who has nothing to do all day except play with himself, gets very down
and hard on his luck, so he finally decides to consult a palmist regarding his
future.
He meets the palmist and asks him about job possiblities, marriage prospects
etc. The palmist takes one good look at his hands and orders him to strip from
the waist down. He then tells him that everything will fall into place within
six months...that he'll find a great high paying job and also get a gorgeous
wife.
After six months, he goes back to the palmist all happy and glowing because
all the predictions have come true. but one essential question remains. He asks
respectfully, "If you don't mind, will you please tell me why did you tell me to
strip on that day?"
The palmist replies, "Well! That's easy enough; you've used your hand so much
that all the lines got imprinted down there!!!"
Once upon a time, King Arthur was preparing for a long campaign. Wanting to
make sure the lovely Guinevere was safe from temptation, the King had her fitted
with an ingenious chastity belt that amputated anything attempting penetration.
King Arthur then rode off to battle.
Returning victorious six months later, the suspicious King ordered all the
palace retainers to drop their pants in the courtyard. One by one, King Arthur
saw stumps where their penises had been, except for one man who stood intact at
the end of the line.
"At least one amongst you is virtuous enough to resist temptation. A man of
honor indeed!" cried the King joyfully, throwing his arms around his loyal
retainer. "And what is your name?"
The man blushed and replied, "Aaaaghkohullhh."
The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened
by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed
that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating
with a liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, a customer cam in and asked for some liverwurst. The
butcher explained that he didn't have any.
The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well,
what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."
At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a
thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that
stole my diary!"
There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him.
"Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny.
Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."
"Okay," says his mate, "got it."
So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the
road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."
He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an
r, Fanny with an r."
Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking,
"Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny
with an r, Fanny with an r."
The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny
with an r." And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"
A newly qualified minister is apprenticed as curate to a parish in Billericay
(in Essex, home of the Billericay Dicky of huge -er- renown), and he is told by
the bishop to go out amongst the people in the streets in order that he can
start his pastoral care with some knowledge of his parishoners.
The young man thinks this is a good idea and he walks down the main street of
the town looking for people to talk with. The first person he meets is a young,
attractive woman standing under a streetlight.
"Hello my dear, I'm your new minister. How are you?"
"Fine"
"Can I ask what you do?"
"Well, I'm in business, you know... for myself".
"And what is the nature of your business?"
"Er...I'm a performer".
"Ah, a thespian! And may I ask, how is business these days?"
"Great! In fact, if I had another pair of legs, I'd open in the West End!"
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming
to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have
something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and
says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee
that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work
and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The
pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle
reliever).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are
you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist says, "And..."
Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him
and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park," the man explained, "And from where I
am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She's blonde and
built like a Corvette, just all curves. Anyway, she's so horny that every night
I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the
floorboard of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the
hotdog.
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I felt that this was a lot of wasted pussy, so, one
day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the
hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything
was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off
my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove."
On the bus ride to work one morning, the driver tells this guy as he's
getting on, "Man! You look terrible today!"
The guy replies, "Really?! I feel great."
As the guy goes into his office, his boss takes one look at him and says,
"You look just awful this morning! Are you sure you're not sick?"
Again, the guy replies, "But I feel really great."
These comments get directed at the guy all day until he finally decides to
visit the doctor after work. The doctor sees him and immediately says, "Geez,
you look just awful and disheveled!"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, doc. Everyone's been telling me that all
day. But I feel great...really wonderful. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor gets out his huge medical reference book and starts thumbing
through it, talking to himself, "Hmmm...looks great, feels terrible... No,
that's not what you have... Ah, here it is...looks terrible, feels great."
"What is it, doctor?" the guy anxiously asks.
"Well, it says here in my book that you're a vagina."
A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor
examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," answered the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts. He
squeezed and pulled each one for awhile and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Suddenly he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition
You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."
"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."
One day, Superman was flying over the city when looking down he saw Wonder
Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of some building. He said to himself, "Since
the first time that I saw her, I have been dreaming about her; here is my
chance". So Superman goes into a dive, in and out like a flash, then goes back
up in the sky to his duties.
Wonder Woman, noting that something had happened, says, "What was that?"
The Invisible Man stands up and replies, "I do not know, but I sure felt
something strange going on in my ass."
Two girls are watching a movie together in a theater. One girl leaned over
to the other one and said, "Angie, the man next to me is masturbating!!"
"Just ignore him," replied her friend.
"I can't," she said. "He's using my hand!"
A couple of Army recruits were sitting on their bunks late one night
masturbating, when one said to the other, "How come you're going so slow?" "I
just can't think of any chicks right now who are worth hurrying about" he
replied.
A man went out behind his barn and caught his son playing with his manhood.
The father said, "Son, get a girl. She'd be twice as good as what you're doing
there."
The son replied, "Dad, if she'd twice as good as this, I don't think I could
stand it."
They have just concluded an extensive study and found out why there is a head on
the penis. It's so your hand won't slip off.
From "News Of The Weird":
John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minnesota, in February after
the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex.
Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived,
left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his
eyes and handcuffed himself to her bed. In the note were instructions that she
was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with
a gun had kidnapped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she
refused.
Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his
chains on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived.
The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That
woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.
"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"
His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants
a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say
anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down
to play cards.
After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why
do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"
"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"
Cyclists are Sexier
"Bicycling Magazine" did a survey that showed:
Eighty-four percent of its readers think about sex while cycling.
When they're thinking, often they think about other cyclists; 68 percent of
the women readers said other cyclists are more sexually attractive than
non-cyclists. Sixty percent of the men agreed.
Twenty-eight percent of all respondents said they met a sex partner through
cycling. And two-thirds said cycling makes them better lovers.
While a majority of of the men surveyed said they thought about sex while
cycling, a majority of the women said they thought about cycling during sex.
A man was very shy, and couldn't speak to more than two people at a time
without getting nervous. His boss and wife both suggested that he take an
Andrew Carnegie course.
He did take the course, and was such a success that they asked him to give
the commencement speech for his class. He gave his talk on "How An Active Sex
Life Helps a Marriage". It was an overwhelming success.
When he got home, his wife asked what he spoke about. Embarrassed to tell
the truth, he told her "My Experiences while Boating".
A few days later, his wife ran into his instructor. The instructor was
saying what a wonderful talk her husband had given. To which she replied, "I
was surprised at the topic he chose. He has only done it twice. The first
time, he got sea-sick, and the second time, he fell off!"
A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can
try to spice up our sex life!"
The wife asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies, "Back to back."
The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be
done."
The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help
us."
A man walked into a talent agency with a briefcase. He opened it and out
popped a midget which played beautiful music on a miniature piano.
Now the talent scout was really impressed. So he asked the man how he got
such a treasure.
The man replied, "You see, I was walking down the beach this one day when I
came upon a bottle on the sand. I opened the bottle and out came an old genie.
Said he has been trapped in the bottle for 5000 years, and since I freed him,
would grant me a wish. But the damned genie, he was old and deaf, he thought I
wanted a 12-inch pianist!"
A bill introduced in the Georgia legislature in January 1994 by Rep. Doug Teper
of Alabama would require warnings in all hotel roooms that fornication,
adultery, and sodomy are illegal in the state. The bill also requires that the
warnings be in Braille and "internationally recognized symbols," which were not
specified.
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife about it, she simply told him, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?!" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."
This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in love with this Greek
guy and was determined to marry him. Her mother tried hard to stop her, but
when she knew she couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But the day or night he asks you
in bed to turn over, you come back to me, for he has lost respect for you."
The daughter agrees to this and the wedding takes place.
Couple of years go by and they are one happy couple. Then one night, when
they are about to make love, the guy tells her, "Turn over honey, let's do it
the other way."
The girl is very unhappy. She is crying and begins to pack her bags.
The husband doesn't understand and asks, "What's wrong, hon?"
"My mom told me all about you guys. You have lost respect for me, so you
want me to turn over. I can't live with you when you have no respect for me."
"But honey," replied the Greek, "I thought you wanted to have a baby."
A man was sunbathing nude on a beach and reading a newspaper. He saw a
little girl walking towards him and immediately covered himself with the paper.
The girl came up and said, "Hey mister, whatcha got under the paper?"
To which he replied, "Nothing kid, it's just my pet bird. Now go away."
Being curious, the girl then asked, "Can I please see your bird,mister?"
"NO", snapped the man.
Once again, she asked, "Please can't I just pet your bird?
The man replied angrily, "NO, GO THE HELL AWAY!!!"
The little girl walked away and the man fell asleep. Well, the next thing
the man knows, he's waking up in a hospital bed and there's a doctor standing
over him, laughing.
The man demands to know where he is and why and the doctor calls the little
girl who witnessed the whole incident to come in and explain what had happened.
Tearfully, the girl walks in and sits next to the man.
The man says, "Hey, you're the little brat from the beach. What's going on
here?"
To which the little girl replied, "I'm sorry mister. I know you told me not
to look at or touch your bird, but after you fell asleep I did anyway."
"So, that doesn't explain why I'm here," replied the man who was getting
angrier by the minute.
"Well," the girl continued, "while I was petting it, it spit at me, so I
broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One
day while taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open. When leaving the
office, she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know that your barrack's door is
open?" He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, being quite witty, replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffle bags!"
In December 1993, India's "Pioneer" newspaper reported that U.S. corporations'
donations of relief goods for the victims of the September earthquake in rural
Maharashtra state included the seldom-used dental floss, contact lens cleaner,
and lubricants for sexual intercourse. The newspaper reported that an
illiterate barber mistook the lubricant for shaving cream and used it on
customers.
Two business partners, both married men, were taking turns making love to their
secretary. As a result, she became pregnant with twins. On the big day, one
partner congratulated the other, "She had twins," he said. "Unfortunately, mine
died.
A guy is going to Las Vegas with his college buddies during his summer break.
His dad gives him a $100 bill and says, "Here son, do what you can for me with
this in Vegas."
When the son comes back home a week later, the father asks, "How'd I do?"
"You did great, dad," the son replies, "You got laid."
Two college coeds are talking over lunch.
Coed #1: I heard that you and John went on a date last night. How was it?
Coed #2: Arrrggh! I went over to his apartment last night and he just
assumed that I was spending the night.
Coed #1: Well, what happened?
Coed #2: I go so angry, I put my dress on and left.
News item in the St. Joseph (Missouri) News-Press on Thursday, April 28, 1994:
For this actress, all the track's a stage - Jogger: "Naked thespian attacked me
at college"
By Tim McLaughlin
A jogger says she was attacked at the Northwest Missouri State University
track by a naked Shakespearean actress scheduled to play Lady Macbeth in a local
production.
The 52-year-old jogger, who didn't want to be identified, said it took three
men, including her husband, to pull the naked actress off her Tuesday evening at
the university's track inside Rickenbrode Stadium. The accused attacker was
identified by university officials as Barbara Kinghorn, a former member of the
Royal Shakespeare Company. University public relations officer Robert M. Henry
confirmed the attack took place. Campus police said, "the university's guest
actress was taken to St. Francis Hospital." A news release is expected today.
Kinghorn was set to play Lady Macbeth on Wednesday evening at the
University's performing arts center. Other performances are set for today,
Friday and Saturday, Kinghorn also was set to present William Shakespeare's
"Riots and Roses" on Sunday.
The woman jogger said she noticed the naked woman while jogging with her
husband. She said about 20 people were in the area about 7 P.M. Tuesday. "She
was lying on a blanket with a male companion who was dropping leaves or pebbles
on her crotch," the Maryville woman told the News-Press on Wednesday night. "I
asked my husband, 'Does she have any clothes on?' But he thought she did."
A few minutes later, the naked woman started running toward the couple,
waving her arms laughing and yelling incoherently, the jogger said. The woman
tried to put her arms around the jogger's husband, but he resisted, pushing her
away.
"All of a sudden, this lady comes over, pressing her body all over my
husband," the jogger recounted. "And he said, 'Ma'am, we can't have it.' She
kept saying to my husband, 'Can I give it to you? Can I give it you?'"
After being rebuffed by the jogger's husband, the naked woman started
clinging to the jogger, scratching her face and neck, drawing blood.
Northwest Missouri campus safety submitted an incident report to Nodaway
County Prosecutor David Baird on Wednesday afternoon. Baird said campus police
cited the naked woman for several municipal violations, but declined to give any
details.
"I haven't reviewed the reports," Baird said. "We have to determine whether
state charges or municipal ones will be filed."
The jogger said Baird told her the municipal violations against Kinghorn
included assault and indecent exposure.
The attack has left the jogger shaken. Besides having her sunglasses and
Walkman broken, she fears the possibility of coming in contact with the HIV
virus.
"She had to be on drugs," the woman said. "She was really sweaty. Her body
fluids came in direct contact with my blood."
A recent Northwest Missouri State University press release hails Kinghorn as
an accomplished actress who has played opposite the actor Topol in London
productions. Kinghorn runs her own company, Stage by Stage, which organizes
backstage tours of London's theaters according to the press release. Kinghorn's
resume includes leading role in Arthur Miller's "View from the Bridge" and the
British cult television series "Dr. Who."
Henry said an understudy was set to play Lady Macbeth during Wednesday
night's performance of "Macbeth." "The play goes on," Henry said.
Sex In Public Places
From the New Orleans "Times-Picayune", April 3, 1994:
"Every time I say I've seen everything and can't be shocked, I'm proven
wrong." says police spokesman Mike Halphen of Bossier City, La., on the teenage
couple arrested for having sex on a daybed at Dillard's department store.
Researchers at John Hopkins have pinpointed the main cause of teenage pregnancy.
It's called a 'date'.
A little girl came running into the house crying and asked her mother for a
glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked the mother.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the crying, the mother poured her a glass of apple cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand into the drink.
"Ouch, it still hurts! It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What are you talking about?!" asked the mother.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she
gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
In January, the government of Brazil reported an annual inflation rate for 1993
of 2,500 percent and Yugoslavia reported that the cost of living rose 6 trillion
percent over the course of 1993. In Belgrade, a factory that manufactures steel
springs paid its workers in live pigs rather than money. In Rio de Janeiro, a
survey sponsored by the weekly newspaper "Isto E" found that inflation was at
least partly responsible for the diminished frequency of sexual relations in
Brazil, from an average person's three times a week to 1.6. Said a San Paulo
psychotherapist, "You can't be a victim in the street and a hero in bed."
From the San Jose Mercury News:
A homeless couple, Darryl Washington and Maria Ramos, were injured when a train
plowed into them as they were having sex on a mattress on the tracks of a New
York City subway station. Fortunately, the couple's injuries were not severe,
thanks to a quick-acting motorman. Nonetheless, the couple has filed a lawsuit
against the transit authority for "carelessness and negligence." The couple's
attorney made the statement, "Homeless people are allowed to have sex, too."
A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her,
"Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
"Well then," he says, "It must be your feet!"
A man was in a crowded elevator when he accidentally jabbed a young lady in
the chest with his elbow. He liked what he felt, so he said to her, "If the
rest of you is as terrific as your tits, I'd love to screw the daylights out of
you."
Without missing a beat, she said to him, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow, come to room 402."
In January of 1994, "The Times" (London) reported that a recent feud in the
southern French town of Pia was coming to a head. Animal-rights activist Joelle
Cinca happens to live next door to one of France's top pornographic film
producers, Gerard Menoud, who sometimes shoots sex scenes in his yard. Menoud
claims that the noise made by the geese Cinca keeps in her garden disturbs his
films' soundtracks; Cinca claims that Menoud's actresses' loud orgasms have
traumatized her geese.
A young lass was having a heart-to-heart with her mother on her first visit
home since starting college.
"Mom... I must confess that I lost my virginity last weekend.."
The mother, a little shocked, told her daughter, "It was bound to happen
sooner or later. I just pray it was a very romantic and pleasant experience."
"Yes and no..." the darling coed replied. "The first eight guys felt great,
but after them, my pussy got real sore."
From a May 8, 1994 newspaper article:
Sex Loses In Poll Of Women And Past-times
New York - Sex may be great, but a poll of 500 women shows many of them
would prefer to relax on a tropical beach or have a romantic dinner than to have
sex.
The poll, a national random telephone survey conducted by Redbook magazine
with EDK Associates, a New York-based research firm, asked the women which of
seven activities would give them the most pleasure.
The poll found 29 percent of the women rated "relaxing on a beautiful
tropical beach" as giving them the most pleasure, followed by 28 percent who
selected having a "romantic dinner with your husband or boyfriend."
Only 9 percent selected "having sex with your husband or boyfriend," the same
rating given to "a sensual massage."
Further evidence that the women who were questioned aren't so hot on sex:
Having sex barely edged out having "a piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream
and hot fudge" (8 percent). However, it easily beat "riding in a convertible
with the top down (1 percent), the preferred activity on the list of pleasures.
The poll also asked the women if they made love "mostly with your eyes open
or your eyes closed." Forty percent said they didn't know, while 21 percent
replied "mostly with eyes open" and 39 percent replied "mostly with eyes
closed."
"Late at night" was the favorite time for making love (38 percent), followed
by "whenever" (23 percent). Ten percent preferred "early in the morning."
Asked if in the future they would make love more often, less often, or about
the same, 45 percent said "about the same" and 25 percent said "more often."
Asked to rate their husbands or boyfriends as lovers, most of the women gave
good marks, with 36 percent saying they were "terrific!" and 30 percent saying
"pretty good."
Despite sex's so-so ratings in the poll, the answers to another question
showed the real thing is better than fiction.
Asked if the sex in romance novels is better than the real thing, 26 percent
of the women said the book version was better but 45 percent said real-life sex
was better.
Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January of
1994 that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortune-teller on
how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors.
The fortune-teller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was
Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a
new one would grow.
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has
ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About
half the hands stay up.
"Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate
with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a
ghost?"
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you said 'goat'."
Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together
for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door. The next
morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath
of fresh air.
"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife??"
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."
A farmer was getting very tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering
his 14-year-old son jerking off behind the barn. "Son," he said, "that's enough
of this foolishness. You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind, too!
We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to rest for
good!"
So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor, unsuspecting
farm girl. The marriage was performed and everything was fine - problem solved
- until...
The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered the
son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating the meat........
"Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to all the trouble of getting you a
wife to take care of this tomfoolery and you're back at it again! What's the
matter with your new wife? Doesn't she take care of your needs properly?"
"Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but her little arms
get so tired..."
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